Itachi's Stalker
by Hellfell
Summary: Her name was Kazuko Watanabe. She was ordinary, except for one thing : Itachi was her Best Friend Forever -too bad she wasn't his, but that was only a matter of time, really. And you do everything for your BFF, right ? Even following him to the Akatsuki... but what do you do when you don't have the skills to be a powerful and scary ninja ? You enroll as a cleaning-lady, of course
1. Chapter 1

Uh... hello ?

This is my first english story. It will be a Sasunaru because sasunaru is funny. I still don't know with who Itachi will be. Anyway, couples will not arrive now so I've plenty of time to think about it -your opinion would be welcomed, of course. As indicated, this story is Humor/Parody, which means that pretty much nothing is serious. I'm writing this to have fun, and to make you have fun. That means lot of OOC because I'm not Kishimoto and "Naruto" is not that funny when you think about it and since all I'm doing can be summed up as "fuck everything up", characters just CAN'T be... well, canon, in a way.

Oh, and this is a AU. Because Kazuko doesn't exist in the canon. So, AU. But I'll do my best to respect the manga -except when I'm not.

What to say, what to say... oh yeah. The rating is K+ for the moment, but I might change it if I decide to put sex/gory scenes. Because there might be lemon. Some. Maybe a lot. But later. Much later. Right now, it will be lala-land so if you're as perverted as me, you will have to wait to see beautiful guys get naked and have a lot of fun together in a bed/on a wall/in a shower/in any place my dirty mind can put them. Well, I say guys, but there will be girls too.

And since i think that nobody must read this/or has got incredibly bored, I'm gonna stop and let you read. If you want, that is.

Just : I own nothing -except Kazuko but if you want her, we can discuss.

Oh, one last thing. This story is weird. Odd, somewhat funny, but in all, strongly fucked up. There : You've been warned.

Enjoy !

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Prologue : Where the Story Does Not Began.

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Nobody knew when exactly Kazuko Watanabe had started following Itachi Uchiha.

In fact, most people were so used to see her little, blond, noisy figure meandering right behind the young genius, close enough to talk to him, but also far enough to avoid the kunai wanting to slice her throat (which was thrown about ten times a day, mostly by Itachi himself, or a compassionate soul) that they didn't even remember when it all began -and frankly didn't care.

There were rumours, though. Plenty.

A merchant had told one of his clients that Itachi had saved Kazuko's life when they were three, and therefore making her madly fall in love with him and wanting to marry him.

Another client had shook her head and said that she was Itachi's secret bodyguard to protect him from fangirls ; which explained her obsession about rock-throwing.

A chunin had told one of his comrades during a particularly boring mission that Kazuko Watanabe was in fact a secret weapon used by an rival clan to drive the Uchiha's most brilliant ninja crazy (to this day, it was the most credible rumour.)

Some said that even Itachi didn't know why she was following him. It was true. There was only one person that knew why Kazuko Watanabe had decided to be Itachi's Best Friend Forever And Number One Stalker, and it was Kazuko Watanabe herself.

Not that anyone would go and ask her, mind you. Even the craziest ninja, and Kami knew there were plenty in Konoha, knew better than to willingly talk to Kazuko about Itachi.

Everybody had their little hypothesis about Kazuko's reasons, and everybody was firmly convinced that they were right. What nobody knew was _why_ Itachi was tolerating her.

She had nothing extraordinary after all. At the Academy, her grades were average. She didn't come from a great but forgotten clan, had no bloodline ; in fact, she only was the daughter of two very ordinary civilians. In everything, she was average. She should never have had a future as the one she will have.

The only thing that was worst noticing about her was her determination to be Itachi's Best Friend.

But, honestly ? She didn't stand a chance. Which made the tolerance of Itachi Uchiha toward her even stranger –apart from a kunai from time to time, he just ignored her : and that was more than anybody (Sasuke and Shisui excepted) had ever received from the very genius of the Uchiha clan.

But as for the beginning of the very bizarre relationship that will be the point of our story, this question shall probably never get an answer. (Or shall it ?)

Nevertheless, our story shall not begin before one will explain the context.

During the Kyuubi attack, Itachi and Kazuko were five. Konoha was entirely destroyed, and there were very few children to attend the Academy.

The lack of future genins explained why the Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, decided to have all the children that were four or more enter the Academy, thanks to the elders' pressure and the fear of an attack against the weak Konoha.

This might be where everything began. Of course, at that time, everyone only saw in Kazuko's strange obsession something childish that Itachi would soon get a rid of. Everyone was utterly wrong.

Kazuko followed Itachi when he became genin at seven, even if they were in different teams. A rumour said that _someone_ had the Hokage giving the same mission to both teams so they would be together, to the great horror of the young Uchiha.

She also followed him when he was promoted to chunin, even if nobody knew how the hell the ten-year-old girl had done to be chunin when she was obviously not fit to be a ninja.

The surprise didn't stop there.

At the tender age of eleven, Itachi became a member of the ANBU. A year later, Kazuko was joining his team. Some people said that it was the time it took the head of the ANBU corps to have a mental breakdown due to the constant presence of Kazuko in his office (a rumour said that she had been _camping_ in his office during a year) and to agree to let her join the ANBU.

And when Itachi became captain of an ANBU team, at thirteen, it was with only a sight that he looked at the first member of said team, who proudly wore a calf mask.

But, once again, this is not where our story begins.

Neither does it begins on the fateful night that had seen the Uchiha slaughter. But that night was a night of great importance.

Indeed. Kazuko Watanabe had been following Itachi Uchiha during her whole life.

So, well, as Itachi was going to think years later, there was no real reason why she would _not_ follow him when he was jumping from tree to tree in the Konoha Forest after killing his entire clan.

And Kami, was Kazuko stubborn. So stubborn that the scene truly deserves a little bit of direct discourse.

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"_ITACHIIIIII !"_

'_Dammit ! Leave me, bloody female !' Mentally spat Itachi while pouncing on a branch. But, as he had a reputation, he only coldly replied :"Return to Konoha ! I have nothing to do with you."_

"_I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ! I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND !"_

"_For the last time, NO, you are _NOT _!" Duh. That was definitively out of character –but at that very moment, the young boy couldn't bring himself to care._

_A rock was thrown near his left ear. Itachi cursed Kazuko between his teeth. Why couldn't she leave him ? He was a damn serial killer ! That would be enough to scare the hell out of anybody, right ? _

"_I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE ! AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, IT IS MY DUTY TO SUPPORT YOU IN EVERYTHING !"_

_It was not. Definitively not. Where the hell had she read that ? Thought the now nunkenin. _

"_WE WILL RUN TOGETHER, ITACHI ! I WILL BE WITH YOU UNTIL I DIE ! I PROMISE !"_

_Okay. Now, she was giving him ideas. Very tempting ideas._

"_BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO WITH ME !" Screamed Itachi –better a little bit of Out Of Character than a murder. _

"_YOU'RE LYING !"_

"_I'm NOT !"_

"_YES YOU ARE !"_

"_NO I'M NOT !"_

"_YES !"_

"_NO !"_

_Another rock was thrown at him._

"_YES !"_

"_NO !" Okay. That was enough. She was so going to get in Amateratsu's flames right now._

_Itachi looked at Kazuko, his suddenly red eyes fixing her own brown gaze. He contained his murderous will and put her under Tsukyomi, condemning her to be tortured for seventy-two hours. _

_Kazuko began to scream and fell to the floor. _

_Itachi left without a glance backward. _

'_That should be enough to discourage her to follow me,' he thought with relief. 'She is not that masochistic after all.'_

_Oh, how wrong was he. _

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Indeed.

Because the day after that event, the Office of Removal And Trip saw a young, thirteen-year-old blond teen coming with a big smile, and politely informing them that she had quitted being a ninja and was now leaving Konoha to establish in the Grass Country as a sock merchant. But once again, this is not where our story starts.

Everybody believed that she had been so shocked by the disappearance of Itachi and what he had done that she was renouncing to her ninja life, and was going to live as a hermit, selling socks and mourning about the loss of her best friend during the rest of her life.

Everybody was wrong.

The proof of their wrongness was to be found four years later, in the very Headquarter of the Akatsuki.

Itachi was coming back from a random mission, along with Kisame who was happily chatting about his beloved Samehada, without really caring that his partner wasn't listening.

The nunkenin pushed the door of the headquarter, being immediately greeted by Konan, who informed him that Pein was waiting for their report about the mission.

Itachi avoided some explosives, put Deidera under a genjutsu, waved at Hidan, and said to Kisame to go and make his report to Pein while he was going to the bathroom.

Of course, he didn't put it like that. It was more like a vague grumbling that Kisame, used to it, immediately understood (but that's not the point).

He went to the bathroom, entered the toilets, removing at the same time his cloak and his pants, ready to make his daily gift to Mother Nature.

Except that someone was already doing it.

Two screams were heard. A girly one, and an even more girly one.

The whole Akatsuki ran to see what was happening, more by curiosity than by fear of a danger.

They found a Uchiha, whose butt was naked, just in front of a young woman sitting on a toilet. Both of them were screaming –but for different reasons.

"ITACHIIIIIIIIII ! I FINALLY FOUND YOUUUUUUUUU !"

_OH GOD NO ! NOT _HER _!_

Kazuko jumped on her best friend and gave him the mother of hugs, while Itachi, Sharingan activated, was losing all the colours of his face.

"W-w-what the hell is she doing there ?" He furiously spat at a very calm Pein.

"Oh, you two know each other ? Good to hear."

"Answer. The. Question." Itachi's sharingan had never been scarier.

Pein shrugged. Kazuko gave Itachi the brightest smile, before making Itachi's gentle world entirely crumble :

"I'm the new cleaning-lady !"

And _this_ is were our story begins.

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To Be Continued...

The prologue is short, but the next chapters are longer, don't worry.

I apologize for the mistakes you might find, as english isn't my mother tongue. I'm trying my best, but sometimes it's just not enough. If someone wants to enroll as my beta reader, just contact me, I'll be delighted !

Feel free to leave some reviews ! (Hm. Scratch that : feel _strongly compelled_ to leave reviews)

See you with the next chapter (maybe next week... or tomorrow, depends if I feel that you're very enthusiastic -or threatening about having (or _not _having) the next chapters. Of course, you will have to express it by reviews so... but once again, you are free. Or strongly compelled, whatever.)

Hellfell.


	2. Chapter 2

Hullo guys !

So, here is the next chapter... sorry for the wait, but I was busy and I had not even a minute for me.

Thanks to CeruleanAlphabet for the review ! I'm really happy that the prologue made you laugh x)

Thanks also to the ones who put this story on alert !

Don't hesitate to leave reviews x)

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Chapter One : Where Everything Starts To Be Furiously Fucked Up, and Where Itachi Is Just Fucked.

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Itachi blinked. So did Kisame, who just arrived and looked incredulously at the scene.

"Itachi," whispered the nunkenin, "your ass is naked."

"Shut up Kisame," was the answer he got from a petrified Uchiha.

Vexed, the blue ninja crossed his arms and mumbled _Yeah let's say shut up to Kisame and not warn him when there is a rape-party, after all he's just your partner that's not as if he was important_, before being silenced by a pair of very, very angry red eyes.

Itachi then glanced at Kazuko. Then Pein.

"What is she doing there ?" He repeated.

"She told you," replied his leader. "She's the new cleaning-lady."

"A cleaning-lady," said Itachi, words rolling in his mouth with the taste of absolute despair. "We have a cleaning-lady. Since when ?"

"Since I am fed up with the mess there is here !" growled Konan. "You guys never clean anything ! You think that because I'm a damn woman I love washing your pants ? Well, I don't. And this is why we have a cleaning-lady."

Pein nodded with conviction. "That's why."

Itachi looked at Kazuko, who had been very occupied in trying to put her underwear on without everyone seeing… well, what underwear were made to hide. She glanced back and grinned.

"I even have a uniform, and a feather duster and everything ! That's so cool, right ? I mean, I've been trying to find you for four years, and then BAM, I can have a great job AND you ! Isn't that, like, terrific ?"

Konan smirked, and Itachi could have sworn that she was completely enjoying this. _Why, Konan ? Why are you doing this to me ?_

"Kazuko came here, we talked a little and I happened to look for someone for the job so… anyway, Kazuko is here to stay !"

Itachi wasn't sure what would have been more painful : being stabbed by a thousand needles in his genitals or hear that. But he _had_ to know :

"Stay… for how long ?"

Konan 'hmm'ed.

"Something like life-long ? That's what we said, right, Kazuko-san ?"

Kazuko nodded.

"Yeah. My contract says that I'm here 'till I die, slash, run away from you in which case I also die since you will catch me and kill me, slash, and something about being resurrected by sacrificing Zetsu and two rabbits in which case I'll be free since I'll basically be a zombie and therefore trying to eat you."

"_I want to say that I don't like that part of the contract_," said white Zetsu. **"But the killing-thing seems nice,"** added black Zetsu. **"Can we eat her if she dies ?"**

Pein questioned Kazuko with a look. She shrugged.

"I guess yes. I mean, it's like recycling, right ? Nothing bad with recycling."

"_I agree_," **"Nothing bad with recycling. Totally."**

"Did someone already told you that you might have a problem with your vocal cords ? You have different voices. But maybe if you eat honey… ever heard of a grog ?" Enunciated Kazuko with worry.

"_That's because we are two in one body_," answered with Zetsu. **"Is there human flesh in that _grog_ ?"** Asked black Zetsu.

Itachi stared at the scene, feeling sick.

"A cleaning-lady, " snorted Deidara. "You're what ? A former cleaning-lady that did bad job, ran away from your employer and became a nunkenin cleaning-lady ? How ridiculous is that, yeah !"

"Well, basically-" began Kazuko.

Itachi's blood became fire as he used his Sharigan to put her under genjutsu. It was out of question that anyone knew she was a former ANBU, even if it was only thanks to the joys of camping. Konoha would never recover from the grotesque of that.

Pein suspiciously eyed Itachi, but said nothing. Meanwhile, Kazuko was still speaking –except that no sound came out of her mouth. She eventually finished, and regained her speech :

"And that's approximately everything that happened before I came here !" She frowned. "Hey, now that I think about it, it was pretty cool –but not as cool as being with you, Itachi ! I soooo missed you ! But now I'm here ! We're going to be together, between Best Friends Forever again, except that there isn't Shisui to be with us since you killed him but whatever, and that's gonna be so GREAT ! We're both grown up now so that means we're going to do loads of things that children can't do-"

Itachi shivered and had a _very_ bad feeling.

"Like buying beers and all ! You're even going to flirt with girls ! That's, like, totally terrific ! And I'll be flirting with guys and we'll have double dates between couples of Best Friends Forever ! IT'S GONNA BE FREACKIN' AWESOME !"

She stared at him, obviously waiting for an answer. As she had always done.

_"What about eating ramen ? Uh ? I heard that ramen is terrific ! Whaddya think ?"_

_"Hey, and if we didn't go on mission ? I heard that there is a festival in Konoha ! Waaaaaaaay cooler than protecting a stupid merchant !"_

_"Look at that ! I got a new jutsu ! It's called rock-throwing no jutsu ! STOP LAUGHING SHISUI ! Eh ? Look, Itachi ! Super-awesome, right ?"_

Always.

And, like always, Itachi didn't have the heart to just kill her. And that is why he said :

"Yeah… cool…"

There was a moment of silence. And then he realized what he had just said.

_Damn. _

Konan blinked, then whispered to Pein :

"Has Itachi-kun just used the word _cool_ ?"

"I… believe so."

"Maybe we should leave that room."

"I agree."

They left, quickly followed by the rest of the Akatsuki, except Itachi, who was actively cursing himself.

_Damnit ! I act as if I was thirteen ! I have to get a hold on myself !_

A rock came lightly poking him. Kazuko grinned.

"I'm so happy to see you after all those years ! We're going to have so much fun here, don't you think so ?"

Itachi looked at her. Then, he walked out of the room, still without pants, and began to carefully bang his head against the wall of the corridor.

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TBC...

CeruleanAlphabet : I gladly accept your offer x) just send me a pm with your mail address and I'll send you the next chapter x) and if you have an msn address or something like that, we can also talk U.U (wow, that was, like, totally pedobear-ish)

Itachi wants YOU to leave reviews ! (Itachi : Actually, I don't. Stop using me for this ridiculous stuff, woman.)

He's just kidding. Review, guys !

Have a nice day !

Hellfell.


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